I’m glad you’re back.  It’s nice to see you again! 

The last time you were here we talked about some of the problems you were having with formatting, capitalizations and conjunctions.  You don’t seem to have made any improvements in those areas and I’m encouraging you now to go back, read what I wrote and then, based on the directions, rewrite your essay.  Once you’ve rewritten your essay according to those directions, you should move on to read the lesson herein.

In regards to your essay, your OVERALL STRUCTURE is fully developed.  An effective method for writing an essay where you were asked to discuss the advantages and the disadvantages is the four-paragraph approach. It consists of (a) an introductory paragraph (b) two evidentiary/supportive body paragraphs and (c) a conclusion.  See the template here: 

1. Opening Paragraph
2. Body Paragraph 1 – advantages
3. Body Paragraph 2 – disadvantages
4. Closing Paragraph

You did a fantastic job!

Now, for improvements, your OPENING PARAGRAPH isn’t developed properly.  In an argumentative essay that asks you to discuss the advantages and the disadvantages, an introductory paragraph needs to have four parts: A GENERAL INTRODUCTION where you familiarize the reader with your topic by objectively introducing it, A BACKGROUND as to why the matter under discussion is particularly important, and INTRODUCTION TO AN ADVANTAGE AND A DISADVANTAGE and a THESIS STATEMENT. Here’s an OPENING PARAGRAPH SAMPLE TEMPLATE:

1. ________ (general introduction to the topic written in an expository style).
2. One could argue one disadvantage is ________ (position 1) because ________ (evidence 1).
3. It is also plausible to consider________ (position 2) to be an advantage because ________ (evidence 2). 
4. Overall, judgement on the matter should be suspending pending further inquiry and analysis.

This template can help you develop the logic you’ll be required and the organization you’ll depend on for correct development.
If I were you, talking about my mistakes would make me a little bit frustrated.  However, even if you don’t notice the improvements you’re making, I see progress. 好好学习 and see you next time you’re on 51pigai ^_^


“And from the discontent of man
The world's best progress springs.”
-Ella Wheeler Wilcox